“Calm down“, “What's wrong with you?“ and “You're making me angry“ are among the phrases that parents should avoid when a child is in a strong emotional outburst. They can increase tension, cause shame or shift responsibility for the adult's feelings onto the child.
Psychotherapist Zara Kadir recommends that instead of “Calm down“, the parent name the visible emotion: “I see you're very angry. I am here and you are safe. According to her, it is difficult for a child to simply stop his anger on command, and such a phrase often expresses the discomfort of the adult rather than support for the child.
Phrases that shift the blame onto the child
According to psychologist Erica Reisher, sentences like “You make me angry“ can make a child feel responsible for the parent's emotions. She recommends that the adult talk about his own condition and the specific behavior: “I need some quiet“ or “I don't like it when you throw toys“.
Reisher also advises avoiding the question “What is wrong with you?“ It focuses attention on the child as a person, instead of on the action. It is more helpful to say exactly what is not acceptable and what can be done differently next time. “Bad choices don't mean the child is bad“, the psychologist points out.
The same goes for comparisons: “Your sister never does that“ or “Why can't you be like the other kids?“. Kadir warns that such remarks can increase sibling rivalry and undermine self-esteem. The focus should remain on what happened and on solving the specific problem.
When the adult downplays the experience
Phrases like “Nothing happened“ and “It's no big deal“ may sound reassuring to the adult, but they do not acknowledge the child's experience. Instead, Kadir suggests: “That sounds like it really upset you. Tell me what happened.“ This doesn't mean the parent has to agree with the child's assessment of the situation, but it does show that they are willing to listen.
The American Psychological Association also recommends encouraging children to label their emotions. Experts say this helps them gradually express their frustration with words rather than aggressive behavior. Talking about cause and effect is more effective once the child has calmed down.
Not every consequence works
Threats like “I'll take your favorite toy away if you don't stop screaming” may seem like a quick fix, but if the punishment is unrelated to the behavior, the child may perceive it as arbitrary. A more meaningful consequence is one related to the action: if the child threw the ball in the house, to pick it up and understand why the game should be outside.
The psychotherapist does not recommend automatically sending the child to his room alone. Instead, the parent can suggest a general break in a quieter place. When the adult feels that he himself is losing control, psychologist Alan Kazdin advises:
„Go into the other room and come back when you are calmer.“
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends a calm intonation, first-person sentences, and a specific apology if the parent yelled: „I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was angry, but that wasn't the right way to talk to you.“ Boundaries remain important, but they should be directed at the behavior, not the child's dignity.
Source: PsychologyToday