Sometimes the hardest task is not finding the right words, but accepting that there are no words that will make the news less painful. When we have to tell someone that their loved one has died, clarity, calmness and presence afterwards are the most important.
The news should be clear
If circumstances allow, the conversation is best held in person. When this is not possible, a phone call is usually more appropriate than a message. A quiet place should be chosen, without a television, noise and interruptions. If the person is elderly, sick or lives alone, it is best to call when someone else is nearby.
The conversation can begin with a brief warning: “I have very sad news.“ Then direct words should be used: “Maria has passed away“ or “Your father has passed away“. According to the “Marie Curie“ organization, expressions such as “he has gone“, “has fallen asleep“ or “we have lost him“ can cause confusion. This is especially important for children, people with dementia, intellectual disabilities or a different mother tongue.
After the first sentence comes silence
After the announcement, it is not necessary to immediately explain everything. The person may cry, be silent, ask the same question over and over again, get angry or seem to not understand what they have heard. There may also be a lack of visible reaction. The British Red Cross reminds us that “there is no right or wrong way“ to react to a serious event.
It is helpful to speak slowly, pause and check that the news has been understood. Instead of saying “don't cry“ or “you have to be strong“, you can say: “I am here. You can be silent, cry or ask me questions.“ A hug or other touch should not be insisted on if the person does not want it.
The cause of death should only be explained with confirmed facts. If the information is not yet clear, it is better to say it directly, rather than making assumptions. In the first few minutes, there is no need to discuss the funeral, documents, and other practical tasks. Information should be given in small parts, because with a strong shock, concentration and the ability to remember can be impaired.
When the news needs to be told to a child
Children also need an honest and understandable answer. The words "passed away" and "died" are appropriate, not "fell asleep," "went to a distant place," or "we lost him." Euphemisms can make the child afraid of the dream or expect the person to return.
The explanation should be age-appropriate. It can be said that the person's body has stopped working and they will not come back, but the child can ask questions later. It is important to be assured that they are not to blame for the death and that there is an adult who will take care of them.
Support continues after the conversation
After the news, the person should not be left alone if they are confused, disoriented or unable to take care of themselves. The most helpful thing can be concrete help: calling a loved one, bringing water, arranging transportation, or simply having someone stay nearby.
If the person says they are going to hurt themselves, cannot be woken up, has a severe physical reaction, or is in immediate danger, emergency help should be sought by calling 112. The number is free and connects to medical assistance, the police, or the fire department.
There is no perfect way to announce a death. But clear words, respect for the response, and a willingness to stay by the person's side can make the first moment less lonely.
Sources: mariecurie.org.uk, redcross.org.uk, iris.who.int